Boundaries

“I draw the line here.”

What does that make you think of? Maybe a scene in some cheesy movie, when the hero’s been pushed too far. Perhaps a posturing politician, making an incendiary speech.

In fact, these lines – interpersonal boundaries – are all over the place. And people are drawing, redrawing, and crossing them constantly. Even if they aren’t conscious of it.

Why do personal boundaries matter?

Melanie, a gifted industrial designer, is lauded for her work. But it’s becoming an exhausting drag. Not because of her projects. But because she finds herself, over and over, being asked to save colleagues who are behind. And she cannot say no to them.

Jason is proud that he can see the other side of almost any argument – it’s a sign that he understands the world’s complexity. That he’s flexible rather than rigid. But there’s a problem. Jason can’t make a decision until he feels certain it’s right. He must feel absolutely justified – whatever that is – before he asks for things. Even before he expresses feelings.

Friends describe Shira as joyful. She is – when she’s with them. But always lurking nearby is something Shira thinks of as her “dark space” – a hole she drops into whenever others criticize or ignore her.

Melanie, Jason, and Shira are quite different. But they share a habit – the habit of porous boundaries. Putting others’ needs and opinions above their own. Letting more in than they really want or is good for them.

You can also have the opposite issue: Saying no to just about everything and everyone. Rigid boundaries can make you feel independent. In control. But they can also inhibit you from taking risks and from getting close to others.

Finding Your Balance: Boundaries for You in the Now

Your boundaries didn’t come from nowhere. They developed in response to needs, such as the need to protect yourself or feel loved.

In therapy, we’ll examine where your boundaries came from and how they affect your life now. We’ll work on resetting these boundaries to reflect your current needs.

Learning how to set healthy boundaries is an especially exciting part of therapy, because it’s all about you taking control of your self-definition: What you’re responsible for and what you’re not, how flexible to be, and how to ask others for what you want.

The process of setting boundaries helps you clarify, choose, and insist on how you want to be in relation to others. It would be my honor to help you in this process.

Please contact me at (646) 957-3380 to discuss how we can work together.